Homer's Guide to Parenting
by jgomez7570
Summary: Homer is asked to create a parenting guide for new parents.


Homer's Guide to Parenting

Although, I see this as being a book...I would organize the book by a topics or "top ?" list. This would be written in first person, from Homer's perspective. Please understand Homer is genuine but not always politically correct. Homer's thoughts are in italics.

Palmpilot is a registered product of palmOne, Inc. Sweetart is a register produce of Nestle.

1.Know yourself

Here Homer explains that in order to be a good parent you must find yourself and your way of handling the world around you.

_For example, you're at work with a donut in hand and then suddenly you have a series of lights and annoying alarms going off at work due to one of those core melt down thingy's...don't panic. Just start pressing the flashing red lights, sit back and blame everything bad on Default. Being a parent is like that...don't panic just work through the red flashing lights of danger._

2.Know your partner

Homer explains how to find the right person to spend your money and home space with. He also tells you how to keep the romance going and how to create the right "partnership."

_You have just spent the Christmas money on oversized Duff can of beer made of saltines. You would think that your wife and family would see the value this adds to your family's collation of heirlooms. IF they don't, and your wife is disappointed, you have two options. Blame Flanders (your neighbor) or send everyone to Krusty burgers. Food always soothes the angry soul. As a parent, you need to create options that make your family work towards harmony._

3.Know your children

Homer offers tips on the importance of finding the child within and living that child through your children. He explains how to keep track of their interests and pretending you understand them.

_Now, if you are like most great parents its hard to know which kids are yours and which kid likes what. So I had Lenny get me a Palmpilot thingy and every morning I turn to the Palmpilot and thank it for watching over my children Rod and Tod. The Palmpilot allows me to keep lists of my children's interests, special events, and gift lists so I don't forget. Technology has come far, before I would just use toothpaste and floor tiles. Parenting is hard work...use gizmos to shift responsibility and help you out._

4.Build a support system

Homer explains that every family needs to have a support system both within and out side of the home.

_No man is an army of one. You gotta find a way to share your pain and ways to show off what you have going for you. For Marge and Me, we find time to go to the various support groups; Fine Print Readers Anonymous, Canyonero Anger Management Group, or the Tall Building Phobia Anonymous group. The point here is finding out what programs or service your community, county, or state have available to help you during your good and bad times as a family._

5.Go to church

Homer explains his connection to Buddha, Judaism, and Jebus.

_You gotta believe in a higher power. Things happen that that there are no reasons for. Like flashing VCR clocks, low carb beer or President George Bush Jr. That's why I know Jebus is watching...aaalways watching. Believing in a higher power reminds you that you are never alone and you can never control everything that happens in your life. As a parent, you have to just seek some comfort in knowing that even if you are at work and you children at school, someone is protecting you and your family._

6.Recreate

Homer gives advices on going on vacations and family bonding.

_I suggest that all parents find out what beautiful places of paradise they would ever want to go...and read the books about them. Because when you have a family you need to be realistic. Recreational opportunities don't happen because they are planned...they happen because of pranks, bad judgment, and escape routes. Those are the vacations that families remember. Parents need to find opportunities to build the family bond. They don't have to happen in Jamaica or South Dakota; they can happen in the park or City Municipal offices._

7.Eating

Families and food go hand in hand. Homer explains this phenomena and how important it plays within the family unit.

_Food, for some just an end to a mean. For my family, food is the center of the all the important conversations we have. Many times have I looked back in my life and wonder how I would look without food. Sad, very sad. Whether it's crushed Sweetart pies for Valentines Day, fried popcorn on Founder's day, or beer battered turkey on Thanksgiving, make time and effort in gathering your family to discuss the importance of family togetherness and the all for on, one for all attitude. Oh yeah...don't forget to invite the old folks (grandparents)._

8.Communicate

Communication the key to any relationship. Homer dives into the heart of this craft and how parents need to work on it.

_Whenever I don't want to hear something Marge or the kids have to say... I just think of the many deaf people of the world and I appreciate what I have. Some days I hear what my family is saying and sometimes I have to really listen to what they have to say. It is important to know the difference between listening and active listening and to know when to just listen and when to actively listen. For example, when Marge yells "dinner!", I am listening actively, when Lisa is making noise on her Sax-a-ma-phone, I just listening. Learn to master this complicated, but important skill._

9.Enjoy each other

In summary, parenting is about celebrating the joys of life, and bonding together during the hard times. Homer gives his final thoughts.

_Families can feel like forever. But who else will put up with your multiple incarcerations, anger issues, social drinking inappropriateness', reckless driving, egomaniac actions...but your family. A home is only as strong as the love shared. _


End file.
